by Bruce Kay
-From the unpublished autobiography
"So, you couldn't get published either?"
"Why can't I call it 'Swimming with Sharks'?"
"Its been done" said my agent.
"Even a Kevin Spacey movie, with the same name, came out about a decade ago-
with that title.If you were a tad less self absorbed you'd know that."
"Gladys,don't 'dis me" (I was trying my best hip lingo to impress her). "I have street crud."
"Thats 'cred'," she replied in her clipped British way,
"No, wait. In your case, maybe you were right.
Either way, if you want people to read your stuff you've got to be original."
"Gladys your a pip."
"SEE, that's what I mean - NOT original"
I could see I was getting under her skin.
Not good. She was respected in this business.
Not like (name changed to avoid lawsuit) Goniff, my last agent.
When I told him my idea for an autobiography, he said "Schmuck, who wants to read the
story of your car?"
I had to drop him,or was it the other way around. Regardless, now I had to kowtow to Gladys.
"Well how about 'Jogging with Chihuahuas.' I've also done that, and it's not easy."
Silence from Gladys.
"You thinking about it?"
"Nope , just yawning love."
"Well, I've got, uh, good -yeah, good- stories.
Some that aren't even made up."
"Not like this conversation?"
She had me there.
"Look, I'm off."
She sounded tired.
"Time to, ah, wash my hair."
"Thanks for the segue."
I said , proud of myself, that I coud use 'segue' in a sentence.
"As a matter of fact, you've inspired me to start a chapter on my dating experience-I heard that 'hairwashing'
excuse a lot."
"Ta, love" and she was gone.
So that was it, the idea for the next chapter.
Milk my 'near sex' experiences for all they're worth.
This will make my "Million Little Pieces" nearly true.
Take that Oprah!
Bring up the girls that brought me down.
That would fill a book.
"That would fill an encyclopedia," said Gladys, or would have, had she not had a head full of Herbal Essence by now.
In the past , Gladys had said:
"Writing about personal experiences requires hearing ones' inner voice."
Unfortunately, mine was Brian Wilson. That can't be good.
Wait,... "Lyin' in Bed Like Brian Wilson Did",... Tune by the Bare Naked Ladies...
'My Dating Experience'
Oh,Oh, another good segue.
Look here for more columns, aka disjointed ramblings, from the not soon to be published book
Bruce Kay "A Collection of My Columns"
Well, Dave Barry did it, & no one got on his ass!