Another Bruce Kay GUEST COLUMN*:

From the upcoming bombography

Bruce Kay’s' "Brief Notes between the Explosions"

Dateline: Baghdad
March '06

The people here just can't contain their excitement -"The Academy Awards".

There's a buzz in the streets in the streets. Whoa-that buzz is incoming. Damn! So, maybe the excitement is about something else. Hmmm, what else is there? Hmmm, why did I volunteer to cover the film scene here? Good questions.

The Sunni-Dance Film Festival doesn't seem like such a good idea to me... now, but I am fascinated with the Arabic versions of our top films. They've adjusted them ever so slightly for the local populace.

The leading contenders here are not a surprise:

- "Brokenback Mountain," another Abu Grahib based story.

- "Forced March of the Penguins"

- From last year, just released here, "Passion of the Christ," but now, with a laugh track.

Speaking of big laughs, there is a Comedy Central special coming up the locals are really excited about, “The Friar Roast of Saddam-Literally."

Also cracking them up, the Arabic version of "The Aristocrats," with added footage of Bin Laden's really dirty version involving a goat sacrifice, three virgins, and…well, I don't want to ruin it for you. Hopefully it will make it to the states.

Among the big documentary hits is “The Bush Peace Plan: Mission Really, Really, Really Impossible."

Unfortunately, though, "Mohammed's Satirical Cartoon Festival" was cancelled at the last minute. No one saw that coming.

On a related note, there is an announcement that while the Sunday morning Kritics Koffee is still scheduled for Oscar Sunday, there will be no Danish. No explanation given.

Well, that’s it from the Green Zone. I was just informed there will be a Fatwa issued against this column unless I thank our sponsor, Mohammed’s Truckles Movers, who remind you, “Just pile your belongings on the mountain, we'll take it from there."

_______________________________

*GUEST COLUMN contributions appear as a courtesy and though vetted they do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the publishers of this blog nor our advertisers.

GUEST COLUMN: Why I'm on a Blog

by Bruce Kay
-From the unpublished autobiography
"So, you couldn't get published either?"

"Why can't I call it 'Swimming with Sharks'?"
I pleaded.
"Its been done" said my agent.
"Even a Kevin Spacey movie, with the same name, came out about a decade ago-
with that title.If you were a tad less self absorbed you'd know that."
"Gladys,don't 'dis me" (I was trying my best hip lingo to impress her). "I have street crud."
"Thats 'cred'," she replied in her clipped British way,
"No, wait. In your case, maybe you were right.
Either way, if you want people to read your stuff you've got to be original."
"Gladys your a pip."
"SEE, that's what I mean - NOT original"
I could see I was getting under her skin.
Not good. She was respected in this business.
Not like (name changed to avoid lawsuit) Goniff, my last agent.
When I told him my idea for an autobiography, he said "Schmuck, who wants to read the
story of your car?"
I had to drop him,or was it the other way around. Regardless, now I had to kowtow to Gladys.
"Well how about 'Jogging with Chihuahuas.' I've also done that, and it's not easy."
Silence from Gladys.
Not good.
"You thinking about it?"
"Nope , just yawning love."
"Well, I've got, uh, good -yeah, good- stories.
Some that aren't even made up."
"Not like this conversation?"
She had me there.
"Look, I'm off."
She sounded tired.
"Time to, ah, wash my hair."
"Thanks for the segue."
I said , proud of myself, that I coud use 'segue' in a sentence.
"As a matter of fact, you've inspired me to start a chapter on my dating experience-I heard that 'hairwashing'
excuse a lot."
"Ta, love" and she was gone.
So that was it, the idea for the next chapter.
Milk my 'near sex' experiences for all they're worth.
This will make my "Million Little Pieces" nearly true.
Take that Oprah!
Bring up the girls that brought me down.
That would fill a book.
"That would fill an encyclopedia," said Gladys, or would have, had she not had a head full of Herbal Essence by now.
In the past , Gladys had said:
"Writing about personal experiences requires hearing ones' inner voice."
Unfortunately, mine was Brian Wilson. That can't be good.
Wait,... "Lyin' in Bed Like Brian Wilson Did",... Tune by the Bare Naked Ladies...
'My Dating Experience'
Oh,Oh, another good segue.

Look here for more columns, aka disjointed ramblings, from the not soon to be published book
Bruce Kay "A Collection of My Columns"
Well, Dave Barry did it, & no one got on his ass!

Tough Love Time for Congress

With all the headlines in Friday's news about how the government screwed up with Katrina and Iraq, you would think the foundations of the Capitol would be quaking. Yet just when the walls seem like they should be rubble at our feet, it seems as if they are still standing. Why is that? Are we so eager to have a functioning government that we are in as much denial as we are within our own families about their mutually diabolical disfunction? Have American voters become enablers?

Well, if that's the case, then it's time to replace tough talk with tough love. It's time for an intercession. With congress unwilling to do it - even to the point of compromising on the liberty-compromising Patriot Act - to whom do we turn? When our representatives no longer represent our interests, but those of lobbyists and other large special interests, we have to, have to, turn to the courts and the law.

When those who make the law decline to realisticly judge their own actions, then we the people must use the second-to-last resort : the Judiciary.

This Valentines Day, show some tough love to your senators and representatives and take them to court. Call them on their disfunction.

Call them on their greed, mismanagement and cronyism: has your congressional representative taken money for earmarks, or voted themselves a raise while your wage hasn't gone up in ten years? Sounds like a class-action to me!

Call them on their disingenouos moral stands. Is your representative spending more time talking about their relationship with their god then helping feed, clothe and educate those who are the poorest and most at risk? Sue their butts for infringing on your rights.

So intercede with your representative, and think of the courts as rehab.
After that, there is only us.

Do Not be Idle During Winter's Rest

When George W. Bush awoke on Christmas morning, what do you think he found in his stocking? Do you think it was a lump of coal?

In the "reap what you sow" context of Xmas reward, it would have been expected.Did you see the glow from Crawford campfires last August, sending sparks into the darkness like tracers streaking through an Iraqi night? Did you note the brave, sad voices at Kamp Kasey igniting a movement that exploded like an IED from Crawford to the Gulf of Mexico, when the shattered lives and drowned souls of Katrina were scorched by ineptness in New Orleans and Gulfport?

And did you sense the building combustion over a red-handed lawmaker and the lobbyists and government lackeys who supported him? The growing distrust of those who spy and lie to lead?And in the Fall, did you rise when those who fought for flag and country found their backbone, while those who didn't had to dig through the bones of more than 2,000 dead American soldiers (and countless others) to find a spine?

In 2005, the embers lit by a dangerously incompetent administration finally caught on the dry, red ink of bad legislation and corruption. Policies of torture and the ill-named Patriot Act were called into question. The press, finally smelling the smoke, now has a fire to hold the government's feet to.But make no mistake - the president still has strong support and a little high water in New Orleans will not bury that; it only brings the crap - the corrupt, power-hungry mismanagement - to the top. When the political waters recede, the pylons that support the president and his ill-advised policies will appear gleaming as all that flotsam of fakery is washed away.

So what can we do now? First, it is time to realize the political and social position we are in as progressives. In my nearly half-century of life, things have never been darker for America. And yet, I am optimistic. I believe that we are still free enough to make a difference.Listening to NPR last month, I heard an interview with physicist John Rigden who had written a book marking the centennial of Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity. In describing Dr. Einstein's found appreciation for his Jewish heritage in the years leading up to and during the Holocaust, Dr. Rigden said something along the lines of, "When the things that we hold most precious are threatened, we tend to be moved to action."

I realized that Cindy Sheehan, Jack Murtha and others had been moved to action because of what they see as a threat to American way of life and our standing in the world. These brave Americans know that it is time to make a stand for our country.

Having brought the energy of autumn's fires into winter's rest, we cannot let the flames of reasoned discontent to die. We must drag a net through the muck the administration and congress are hoping will go away, roll it all into a peaty kindling, and fan the flames to keep a vigilant light on our government through the long winter night.

Vigilant, though rising smoke, black and cold, holds a blanket in the air of this necessary winter. Vigilant, though it begs us to curl up beneath its oily veil as if it were velvet or satin, and there - numbed by lullabies of lies - dream of the warm sunshine of dead yesterdays.

Even now, in winter's sleep, the dark curtain thins, and those who masquerade as paternalistic protectors are exposed as opportunistic controllers. Their large-armed embrace, now distrusted, shrinks away, as they frantically try to hold down the cold cloud with Lilliputian zeal. But the giant has awakened, and already those who would lead them are tossed from whipping tethers. DeLay, Libby, Cheney, Rove, even the King himself cannot keep the will of the people for responsible government from standing.

The pall of their self-destruction is our resurrection.

When the things we hold precious - trusting our government and the defense of liberty among them - are so near to being destroyed, it is a call to rise and make a stand for our country and its future. It may seem obvious, but only when our voices are unified and strong will things even begin to change. Bush set the bar for us, and we will hold him to his words, for his goal is our gauntlet: when we stand up, they will stand down.