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Monday, February 27, 2006

GUEST COLUMN: Why I'm on a Blog

by Bruce Kay
-From the unpublished autobiography
"So, you couldn't get published either?"

"Why can't I call it 'Swimming with Sharks'?"
I pleaded.
"Its been done" said my agent.
"Even a Kevin Spacey movie, with the same name, came out about a decade ago-
with that title.If you were a tad less self absorbed you'd know that."
"Gladys,don't 'dis me" (I was trying my best hip lingo to impress her). "I have street crud."
"Thats 'cred'," she replied in her clipped British way,
"No, wait. In your case, maybe you were right.
Either way, if you want people to read your stuff you've got to be original."
"Gladys your a pip."
"SEE, that's what I mean - NOT original"
I could see I was getting under her skin.
Not good. She was respected in this business.
Not like (name changed to avoid lawsuit) Goniff, my last agent.
When I told him my idea for an autobiography, he said "Schmuck, who wants to read the
story of your car?"
I had to drop him,or was it the other way around. Regardless, now I had to kowtow to Gladys.
"Well how about 'Jogging with Chihuahuas.' I've also done that, and it's not easy."
Silence from Gladys.
Not good.
"You thinking about it?"
"Nope , just yawning love."
"Well, I've got, uh, good -yeah, good- stories.
Some that aren't even made up."
"Not like this conversation?"
She had me there.
"Look, I'm off."
She sounded tired.
"Time to, ah, wash my hair."
"Thanks for the segue."
I said , proud of myself, that I coud use 'segue' in a sentence.
"As a matter of fact, you've inspired me to start a chapter on my dating experience-I heard that 'hairwashing'
excuse a lot."
"Ta, love" and she was gone.
So that was it, the idea for the next chapter.
Milk my 'near sex' experiences for all they're worth.
This will make my "Million Little Pieces" nearly true.
Take that Oprah!
Bring up the girls that brought me down.
That would fill a book.
"That would fill an encyclopedia," said Gladys, or would have, had she not had a head full of Herbal Essence by now.
In the past , Gladys had said:
"Writing about personal experiences requires hearing ones' inner voice."
Unfortunately, mine was Brian Wilson. That can't be good.
Wait,... "Lyin' in Bed Like Brian Wilson Did",... Tune by the Bare Naked Ladies...
'My Dating Experience'
Oh,Oh, another good segue.

Look here for more columns, aka disjointed ramblings, from the not soon to be published book
Bruce Kay "A Collection of My Columns"
Well, Dave Barry did it, & no one got on his ass!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Tough Love Time for Congress

With all the headlines in Friday's news about how the government screwed up with Katrina and Iraq, you would think the foundations of the Capitol would be quaking. Yet just when the walls seem like they should be rubble at our feet, it seems as if they are still standing. Why is that? Are we so eager to have a functioning government that we are in as much denial as we are within our own families about their mutually diabolical disfunction? Have American voters become enablers?

Well, if that's the case, then it's time to replace tough talk with tough love. It's time for an intercession. With congress unwilling to do it - even to the point of compromising on the liberty-compromising Patriot Act - to whom do we turn? When our representatives no longer represent our interests, but those of lobbyists and other large special interests, we have to, have to, turn to the courts and the law.

When those who make the law decline to realisticly judge their own actions, then we the people must use the second-to-last resort : the Judiciary.

This Valentines Day, show some tough love to your senators and representatives and take them to court. Call them on their disfunction.

Call them on their greed, mismanagement and cronyism: has your congressional representative taken money for earmarks, or voted themselves a raise while your wage hasn't gone up in ten years? Sounds like a class-action to me!

Call them on their disingenouos moral stands. Is your representative spending more time talking about their relationship with their god then helping feed, clothe and educate those who are the poorest and most at risk? Sue their butts for infringing on your rights.

So intercede with your representative, and think of the courts as rehab.
After that, there is only us.